Friday, October 27, 2006

I need help with something really scary: My Issue 3 Costume

I have to figure out how to dress up as something REALLY SCARY, and I need your help, gentle readers.

Tonight, Gloria and I have to attend a Halloween costume party over at Dennis' old haunted library at 55th and Broadway, and I woke up just now with a costume identity crisis. Yesterday, I did an informal poll of everybody I talked to, asking them what's the scariest thing out there this year, and the answer was a standard "Issue 3." So, my problem is, how do I dress up as Issue 3?

Should I be a tired old whore, all tricked out in my pathetic best, trolling for dollars?

How do I dress tonight to drive home the point that I'm not really what I would like to seem to be?

Anyway, I'm "sitting here wondering what dress to wear" (what song is that?) and putting my costume together all day today, and I need your help. I implore you, I beseech you, tell me how to dress. I have very little experience with this sort of thing. If need be, contribute to the cause--you can drop pieces of whore suits off at the Tower Press Building, suite 109, all day. If nobody's there, just leave the tawdry things outside the door with a note. I will return all items that people want returned. I will then wear all that I can wear to the party tonight, and bring along what I can't so others can play scary old whore dress-up, too. To help you gauge things, I'm probably about Jane Campbell's size, but with nicer legs and a bigger chest (46-48").

So, leave your comments here, leave the old-whore get-up gear at suite 109. Each contributor to my outrageous outfit will have a free ticket waiting at the door of the old library Halloween party at 6 PM tonight (catered by Massimo's, by the way). The contributor of the most outrageous piece gets the last dance (last dance, not lap dance, silly).

Is this in bad taste? Surely. But what is Issue 3? Please, be offended. I'll even strap something on to show what Issue 3 really intends to do to Ohio. Think of Aubrey Beardsley's Lysistrata illustrations. Take it from there.

Wanna see something really scary? Help me today. Be there tonight.


  1. FACT:

    Every year $3 BILLION is spent by Ohio's on gaming out site of the state (no tax rev for us)

    Issue 3 will keep $1 BILLION in Ohio.

    Cleveland will get a new Convention Center and 2 slot parlors (Tower City and West Bank of Flats)

    Every county in the state will get some $$ from issue 3, Hamilton county will get $20 million.

    Issue 3 is endorced by the Cinci paper.

    Columbus does not want Issue 3 to pass because it will but them at a disadvantage to Cleveland for visitors and conventions.

    Please vote yes on issue 3 and issue 18.

    Lets try it if it does not work we can go back.

  2. Just who is this anonymous pathetic asswipe who shat all over my blogspace, telling me how sorry he is that he will take money, and such a relatively small amount, for his birthright? Hey, anonymous, how about letting in legalized, clean prostitution, too? That should bring even more money, and we'd be one of the first to the party.

    Issue 3 is a constitutional amendment that favors 9 entities, to the disadvantage of all the rest of us. As a constitutional amendment, we are pretty much stuck with it, and it's really, really hard to go back. It's promoted by cowards and mindless, no-balls pimps like "anonymous" who won't promote gambling for gambling's sake, but who hide behind children and education, and anonymity.

    Forget issue 18, too. If the politicians control the arts money, do you actually think that the real artists will ever see any? Dream on. Issue 18 is another feed trough for the nonprofits.

    Finally, don't post here unless you use your real name and link to your blog or provide your email. I'm not a fan of anonymity, so next time rear up on your hind legs and bellow out who or what you are.

  3. I saw this in my inbox a while ago, but was just able to get up off the floor after a laugh attack minutes ago. Poor Jane Campbell! ;)

    My suggestion -- if you do indeed want "old whore clothes" -- is to head to the Unique Thrift in Ohio City (Lorain and Fulton). I'm a thriftster myself and have seen many experiments in terror on sale there.

    Or, you could see if Dorothy Fuldheim left any of her wardrobe behind. Or call Jane and just suck it in, Tim.

    Have fun. Will you be posting pictures?

    Oh, and for the strap-on, head to Body Language at 116th and Lorain. They'll hook you up good.

  4. Thank you, timtimmytimothy. I thought you would be an appreciative audience. I'll post the pictures if I can get outrageous enough. Anything for a laugh--anything to sink issue 3, especially with humor.

  5. I know it's past time now, but it dawned on me today what you should do: find all the joker cards you can from your house and your friends and buy some cheap plastic poker chips. Paste them all over your body (old whore's clothes, if you must), and use lipstick to paint a frown on your face.

    Get is a "my name is..." tag and write in Learn & Earn.

    That would work.